Ok the last couple of entries have been really intense even for me. I have been working through the concept of flow for the last couple of days. Allowing my emotions to flow without holding onto them. Not being afraid of the pain I may feel on a mental level and let the thought flow through me and try to breath it out. When I breathe in I try to think I am breathing in a fresh and positive life for the future and when I breathe out I breathe out the past and the pain. Because isn't expelling a breath releasing the carbon dioxide and inhaling a breath is pulling into your body fresh oxygen. Doing this process has not been easy and again it needs to be constant and it has to be practiced. As I go through the day I just catch myself and try to be more aware of my thoughts.
When I go to the temple there is a prayer that we say and it says through darkness there is light and through light there is darkness. They go hand in hand. I cannot live trying to avoid the darkness and think I will get to the light. I have to go through the darkness and live it feel it to get to the light.
After last weekend’s intense amount of time at the temple. I couldn’t go back for a few days. So the first couple of days after I finished the talks and meditations I felt great. I was coming up with epiphanies about my life that I have never thought about before. I didn’t know how much was inside me, deep inside me that I was doing just from things that happened in my past and yet I just kept doing them.
For example my friends always say that you find a sad soul or someone who is lost and you give and give until their life is on track again or they find themselves. I have done this way too often and find that when people find themselves they move onto something else. I give alot of my energy to someone so they can feel better and then when they move on I am angry. I will say "I did this all for you, you owe me". I realized in a epiphany that one of the reasons why I think I do this is because one of my friends committed suicide. I didn’t see it coming and I think I kind of convinced her to go to her parents house because I didn’t know what else to do. I was angry with her at times. I would think just snap out of it, what is wrong with you?
We lived together and three months after she left she committed suicide. I think deep deep down this is my way of protecting people and getting over my guilt. I have seen the worst that can happen when you don’t have your friends around you in your darkest hour. I see someone sad and want to reach in their soul and take the pain away. And its to a fault. Its to the point that I lose myself in them, I need them to make myself feel better. I need someone who needs me.
Perfect example would be the 22 year old I just dated whose mom is an alcoholic and left them. He went to jail, was an addict himself. Came out of rehab and I helped him get some direction. This included getting totally involved to the point that I got my heart broken, again.
Anyway I have been trying to let things flow, my thoughts. Thoughts come in like my breath and leave like my breath. I have doing this for last couple of days. I haven’t meditated in 3 days but just been focusing on my thought. Being aware when one thought comes in and seeing it for what it is just a thought that I can breath out of my body. When I hold on to that thought I create the emotion around it. Every emotion builds on top of the next. The next thought I have comes from the emotion I just created from my previous thought it builds and builds. By Saturday with no meditation I was a mess. By Sunday night I was balling to my friends on the phone. I went to meditation on Saturday and Sunday. Well I feel a lot better now. So it has been a roller coaster ride of a week. I really did go from feeling very free to extreme distress. But I am going to keep working on it. Thanks friends for the calls and letting me let it out.
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
Sunday, November 2, 2008
Suffering
I may jump around from time to time with what is going on within me. I think for a while it will be all jumbled in my brain until I can get to a point where it will combine together into more understanding. I have spent 7.5 hours at the temple this week. It is alot to do. I feel like I am in serious physicaly therapy, it's hard, it's painful but I know this is what I need to do right now to find me.
On Thursday my calling to the temple was strong. We have a happy hour every Thursday at work which I go to "religiously" (lol), this week my Self wanted me to go to the temple. That is the first time that the duality of my ego lost to my higher Self. It was good. It was 30 mins of Sezen where you sit and meditate, followed by a ceromony for Buddha's (people practicing) who are going on to their next levels. It was nice. Then it was followed by a talk.
And although I didn't need a drink I still had to stop by the bar on my way home and have 2 or 3 glasses of wine. Friday was Halloween and me being lazy and not wanting to deal with any crowds I went back to the same bar and drank again. Saturday there was a Dharma talk where we discussed the 4 Noble Truths about Buddhism. I am going to write this in a the best way I can describe my understanding of these principles.
1. Life means suffering. Everything in life is suffering. We may have the perfect thing that we hold in our hands today and it may be gone tommorow. We have desires that are never met. We have gotten things we didn't want. We have family that is sick, chrildren at school. And all these things make us happy in one moment can make us sad in the next. This creates a state of impermance where we know whatever it is that has brung us joy today will change and dissipates until another joy comes and dissipates. Like a flower that comes out and then dies. Everything is changing. And Humans don't like change. They want to hold on to whatever makes us happy forever but that is impossible, nothing will make you forever happy. That is the suffering of the human existence.
2. The origin of suffering is attachment. From what I understand of this there is a diffence between allowing a thought to enter you body or just letting it flow through you like air without holding onto it. It's like when we are happy we want to hold onto that feeling, but you can't it will always go away and there will be saddness when it is gone. We can hold onto the sadness and then feel angry that we are sad but we are still holding. What I am starting to realize is you can feel sadness, joy, anger all of this but let it flow through you. Its not who you are its an emotion that you are feeling now and it may not feel that good but just let it flow. Feel bad, feel good, but let the emotions flow. In Meditation when my mind is blank thoughts do come into my head. And since it will be angry or sad thoughts I view them objectically so I can see them and release them but I do not grasp hold of them and let them take residence in my body or mind. Thoughts come in I am aware I may get clafication but then I let them leave. By no means is this easy. You can get caught on thought after thought and it will stop your mind from moving you will just feel that same emotion over and over again. This is not easy and this is where the practice of buddhism takes the most time. It is hard and it is opening up your soul this is practice you must continue to do.
3. The cessation of suffering is attainable. these two below I haven't gotten to yet.
4. The path to the cessation of suffering.
But examining 1 I see where the suffering in life is. I have attachments to my job and people and more importantly my thoughts of who I think I am and how the world should be. As long as I hold on to this perception of the world there is no possible way to move forward. I also know during this process I must confront those old ways of thinking and open my mind. Hard work!!!
My life hasn't turned out the way I thought it would and I can't see me living everday the way I was with no sense of being in my life. So after I did that depression meditation the other day I found those demons in my mind, depression he is king, he gets my worry demon all worked up so anxiety can join in. Once they are togther they bring fear along for the party. Oh I forgot anger and bitterness too! So we got a lot of guys to keep us company.
I started today in meditation trying to bring my mind open concetrate on my breathing and really seeing where those emotions are coming from. I tried to do it as an outside observer. It was good. I finally had some light in my mind as why i feel this way all the time instead of being. Because I hold onto these emotions too much and now this is my personality. Its not who I Am. After another 1.5 hours of meditation, I was angry I was brooding. I was trying to come out of it but I couldn't. So wanted a drink but chose against it. As for right now when I am focusing on this stuff putting alcohol in the equation will only slow the proccess down. When you work on the meditation you should let it resonate with for a few days.
In this second session I realized my whole life I have been hording these emotions to myself for years and years. When I just didn't process things by letting them flow through me but by holding onto them and just trying to find something else to make me happy. Coming home I sat down on my sofa and I just started to cry and cry and cry. It was a good cry when you know you are relieveing or letting something go. But to end on a positive note today. I feel good. I feel like I worked really hard and was able to open this really tight jar a bit and start seeing what's in there.
On Thursday my calling to the temple was strong. We have a happy hour every Thursday at work which I go to "religiously" (lol), this week my Self wanted me to go to the temple. That is the first time that the duality of my ego lost to my higher Self. It was good. It was 30 mins of Sezen where you sit and meditate, followed by a ceromony for Buddha's (people practicing) who are going on to their next levels. It was nice. Then it was followed by a talk.
And although I didn't need a drink I still had to stop by the bar on my way home and have 2 or 3 glasses of wine. Friday was Halloween and me being lazy and not wanting to deal with any crowds I went back to the same bar and drank again. Saturday there was a Dharma talk where we discussed the 4 Noble Truths about Buddhism. I am going to write this in a the best way I can describe my understanding of these principles.
1. Life means suffering. Everything in life is suffering. We may have the perfect thing that we hold in our hands today and it may be gone tommorow. We have desires that are never met. We have gotten things we didn't want. We have family that is sick, chrildren at school. And all these things make us happy in one moment can make us sad in the next. This creates a state of impermance where we know whatever it is that has brung us joy today will change and dissipates until another joy comes and dissipates. Like a flower that comes out and then dies. Everything is changing. And Humans don't like change. They want to hold on to whatever makes us happy forever but that is impossible, nothing will make you forever happy. That is the suffering of the human existence.
2. The origin of suffering is attachment. From what I understand of this there is a diffence between allowing a thought to enter you body or just letting it flow through you like air without holding onto it. It's like when we are happy we want to hold onto that feeling, but you can't it will always go away and there will be saddness when it is gone. We can hold onto the sadness and then feel angry that we are sad but we are still holding. What I am starting to realize is you can feel sadness, joy, anger all of this but let it flow through you. Its not who you are its an emotion that you are feeling now and it may not feel that good but just let it flow. Feel bad, feel good, but let the emotions flow. In Meditation when my mind is blank thoughts do come into my head. And since it will be angry or sad thoughts I view them objectically so I can see them and release them but I do not grasp hold of them and let them take residence in my body or mind. Thoughts come in I am aware I may get clafication but then I let them leave. By no means is this easy. You can get caught on thought after thought and it will stop your mind from moving you will just feel that same emotion over and over again. This is not easy and this is where the practice of buddhism takes the most time. It is hard and it is opening up your soul this is practice you must continue to do.
3. The cessation of suffering is attainable. these two below I haven't gotten to yet.
4. The path to the cessation of suffering.
But examining 1 I see where the suffering in life is. I have attachments to my job and people and more importantly my thoughts of who I think I am and how the world should be. As long as I hold on to this perception of the world there is no possible way to move forward. I also know during this process I must confront those old ways of thinking and open my mind. Hard work!!!
My life hasn't turned out the way I thought it would and I can't see me living everday the way I was with no sense of being in my life. So after I did that depression meditation the other day I found those demons in my mind, depression he is king, he gets my worry demon all worked up so anxiety can join in. Once they are togther they bring fear along for the party. Oh I forgot anger and bitterness too! So we got a lot of guys to keep us company.
I started today in meditation trying to bring my mind open concetrate on my breathing and really seeing where those emotions are coming from. I tried to do it as an outside observer. It was good. I finally had some light in my mind as why i feel this way all the time instead of being. Because I hold onto these emotions too much and now this is my personality. Its not who I Am. After another 1.5 hours of meditation, I was angry I was brooding. I was trying to come out of it but I couldn't. So wanted a drink but chose against it. As for right now when I am focusing on this stuff putting alcohol in the equation will only slow the proccess down. When you work on the meditation you should let it resonate with for a few days.
In this second session I realized my whole life I have been hording these emotions to myself for years and years. When I just didn't process things by letting them flow through me but by holding onto them and just trying to find something else to make me happy. Coming home I sat down on my sofa and I just started to cry and cry and cry. It was a good cry when you know you are relieveing or letting something go. But to end on a positive note today. I feel good. I feel like I worked really hard and was able to open this really tight jar a bit and start seeing what's in there.
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