oh what a long two days

I have begun to go to a Buddhist temple next to my house. I went to the liturgy Sunday morning where another sign came to me about what I was thinking. In the last blog I mentioned I wanted to get back to the Self that I was when I was born before life shaped my thoughts. Well the monk mentioned this on Sunday as well. And although when we are babies we may not be able to see, talk, or walk or higher Self exists in its purest form. Lets see if I can explain it. What I was thinking and what he was saying was that if we could go into ourselves to the place where we started without all the things that happened to you in your life you may be able to the Self you were born as without anger, anxiety, bitterness, etc. We had no sense of time as a baby and no expectations of ourselves that would disappoint us. We were exactly who we should be or are. I am sitting on this thought for a while. I don't know yet how it will come together for me, but I know that getting to that part of me is very important in this journey.

I am practicing Zen Buddhism to help with this journey and I am reading books on this philosophy to help me. One book that I am reading is the "The Zen Path Through Depression" by Philip Martin. In one of his early talks about depression he talks about how it is a like a physical pain. He has a meditation that he talks about on page 12 which has put me in a tail spin. I am jumping out of my skin. I cried for two hours last night and called in sick to work. I do not normally do that. But this meditation is well worth it.

He says when you meditate feel and work through the pain instead of dismissing it. His exact words are, "As the pain begins to grow remind yourself of your intention not to run from it, but instead explore it thoroughly. When you first become aware of it, identify it as simply "pain." Then move on to look closely at its qualities."

Whoa!!! Well that is what I have done for the last two days. Its not easy. It is important to understand the issue of actually feeling that pain, acknowledging it like you would a physical pain. If you had a physical pain what would you say to yourself? "How did I hurt myself? If I do this does it hurt? How can I make it better? What can I do to make the pain go away? I have suffered from depression for years, but when I finally thought of it as a physical pain I have been able to acknowledge my depression, how bad it is and how much I have done not to deal with it and heal it. I am like a quarterback that is constantly in the game. Any pain I have I say shoot me up, give me painkillers, do what you have to but put me in that game. As I keep going back into the game and play normally like there was nothing wrong and never acknowledging the injury well it is only going to get worse. With numbing out the pain you have never allowed that injury to heal. The pain is masked so you can continue what you were doing. Constantly injuring yourself over and over again because you are doing the same thing. How does this help us?

That's what I realize what I have been doing with my depression. In the two days of meditation that I have done, allowing my pain to come forefront in my mind, to acknowledge it, see it, feel it and examine it like a doctor would a physical injury. I finally been able to see beyond my depression. It wasn't easy. Its a deep part of you that is not pretty like if you had to cut your own leg open and look inside one would not enjoy the sight. And I am just at the start.

Seeing in my minds eye my pain, the description of it. Wow, I didn't realize the extent of my depression and what it was made up of. I am so angry more than I have ever thought, bitter about the things that I didn't get that I have always wanted, scared to be myself because I want to be so perfect. I don't even know who the real me is anymore. Instead of a person who knows who I really am, I cannot because my brain is constantly thinking of my next move. What will I do in this moment to be accepted instead of just accepting the moment. What I can I change about myself in this moment so the moment will be perfect and happy? Can I just allow the moment to occur without any anticipation of what it should be?

After the meditation it is only hurt I can feel. It is an intense pain which I wish would go away. I wish I could have a drink or two but I can't today because I am going to my parents. Oh so that's why I need a drink I say to myself. I want to go back into the game but I don't want to have this feeling. I don't want to fight through it. I want it to go away. I meditate again for an hour. And more comes to light. I haven't said anything yet to these feelings of anger, bitterness, anxiety, etc but I have finally acknowledged that they exist. Which is huge for me. There in my light I see it. Still this has been a very hard day. I couldn't take the realization of all this. When I didn't realize the extent of how deep my feelings go and am still going to find out more.

Writing this down today has helped a great deal for a day that started out as the great depression.

Birthday

This week was my Birthday instead of the fanfare I used to remember of years past this year I felt lonely and hollow. I was dreading the day coming and was happy when it was over. This felt completely different than other birthdays I have had.

Don't you remember when you were younger and the excitement of your birthday coming created an impatience within you for the day to arrive. I would have lists in my head about what I would want to get. Your parents and older relatives would say, "oh your birthday is coming what do you want?" "what type of party would you like to have?" In school and at home there would be people who would come around and wish you a Happy Birthday and for that day everyone celebrated the day you were born into this world.

As you got older, maybe while you were in college it was about drinking. An excuse to get drunk and for everyone to share in that drunken celebration. Then you get those really serious boyfriends who would adorn you in jewelry on your birthday, say I love you at dinner and the day was all around special day for you from the one you loved. Dinner for two and a little romance was all that was needed to have a great day. There are also the years you think this will be the birthday he gives you the engagement ring.

So for the first time, this year, in a long time I didn’t have a boyfriend. I am 37 single and have been in two long term relationships that came very close to marriage but didn’t quite get there. I have spent most of my adult life searching and searching for the man I am going to marry. And as I get here to this point in my life I wonder why it just hasn’t happened for me. So I decided this year I would spend that time on myself. I want to understand me. Get to know me. What are my thoughts? Who am I? Why am I here? Mostly I don’t want to spend the rest of my life alone and I want to understand what is it that keeps these relationships from growing. So everyday for the next year I am going to go through somewhat of a spiritual journey.

Its funny when I decided to do this introspection it was before my birthday. I have been thinking about doing this soul searching for a while. And like a message my horoscope on that day for my birthday said this year would be a spiritual journey for you. Not that I fully believe in all that, but it was interesting to say the least. Maybe it was a sign I was finally moving in the direction I was suppose to and not fighting against what was or is. Instead saying I want this or I want to be here in my life and because I am not I am angry or sad or hurt. Maybe this is where I am suppose to be right now.

I remember when I was younger people would say I need to go out and find my self. I don’t think I ever understood what that really meant. But I am starting to now more and more. I just don’t feel whole there is something missing. And it's me. I am not as sure about myself as I used to be. I am scared a lot of the time I get nervous talking to people. This isn't me, this isn't what I was like before, this is somthing that has begun to take over and I want me, my true self to be here.

This time on birthday I decided not to think about it terms of my special day with friends, family, or celebrations. But what my birthday means to ME. What my life means to me. I feel like I have been coasting through life for quite sometime without a purpose, trying relationships or drinking or friends to fill this void I feel yet it doesn't work. Maybe temporarly but it is always there or not. So what does my life mean to me?

Let's start with the actual day that I was born into this world. How my life started. I can only imagine what it must feel like to have a new life. But I imagine myself born as a clean slate. Born perfect and new before life had the time to mold you into its little toy.

I have felt my larger Self at times and it is has been wonderful and peaceful. I want to find that again. But this time I know how fleeting it is and I believe that it can be constant in me if I make sure that it is continous part of me that is flowing and not a destination that I am going to reach one day and be done.

Are you ready to start?