Birthday

This week was my Birthday instead of the fanfare I used to remember of years past this year I felt lonely and hollow. I was dreading the day coming and was happy when it was over. This felt completely different than other birthdays I have had.

Don't you remember when you were younger and the excitement of your birthday coming created an impatience within you for the day to arrive. I would have lists in my head about what I would want to get. Your parents and older relatives would say, "oh your birthday is coming what do you want?" "what type of party would you like to have?" In school and at home there would be people who would come around and wish you a Happy Birthday and for that day everyone celebrated the day you were born into this world.

As you got older, maybe while you were in college it was about drinking. An excuse to get drunk and for everyone to share in that drunken celebration. Then you get those really serious boyfriends who would adorn you in jewelry on your birthday, say I love you at dinner and the day was all around special day for you from the one you loved. Dinner for two and a little romance was all that was needed to have a great day. There are also the years you think this will be the birthday he gives you the engagement ring.

So for the first time, this year, in a long time I didn’t have a boyfriend. I am 37 single and have been in two long term relationships that came very close to marriage but didn’t quite get there. I have spent most of my adult life searching and searching for the man I am going to marry. And as I get here to this point in my life I wonder why it just hasn’t happened for me. So I decided this year I would spend that time on myself. I want to understand me. Get to know me. What are my thoughts? Who am I? Why am I here? Mostly I don’t want to spend the rest of my life alone and I want to understand what is it that keeps these relationships from growing. So everyday for the next year I am going to go through somewhat of a spiritual journey.

Its funny when I decided to do this introspection it was before my birthday. I have been thinking about doing this soul searching for a while. And like a message my horoscope on that day for my birthday said this year would be a spiritual journey for you. Not that I fully believe in all that, but it was interesting to say the least. Maybe it was a sign I was finally moving in the direction I was suppose to and not fighting against what was or is. Instead saying I want this or I want to be here in my life and because I am not I am angry or sad or hurt. Maybe this is where I am suppose to be right now.

I remember when I was younger people would say I need to go out and find my self. I don’t think I ever understood what that really meant. But I am starting to now more and more. I just don’t feel whole there is something missing. And it's me. I am not as sure about myself as I used to be. I am scared a lot of the time I get nervous talking to people. This isn't me, this isn't what I was like before, this is somthing that has begun to take over and I want me, my true self to be here.

This time on birthday I decided not to think about it terms of my special day with friends, family, or celebrations. But what my birthday means to ME. What my life means to me. I feel like I have been coasting through life for quite sometime without a purpose, trying relationships or drinking or friends to fill this void I feel yet it doesn't work. Maybe temporarly but it is always there or not. So what does my life mean to me?

Let's start with the actual day that I was born into this world. How my life started. I can only imagine what it must feel like to have a new life. But I imagine myself born as a clean slate. Born perfect and new before life had the time to mold you into its little toy.

I have felt my larger Self at times and it is has been wonderful and peaceful. I want to find that again. But this time I know how fleeting it is and I believe that it can be constant in me if I make sure that it is continous part of me that is flowing and not a destination that I am going to reach one day and be done.

Are you ready to start?