Ok the last couple of entries have been really intense even for me. I have been working through the concept of flow for the last couple of days. Allowing my emotions to flow without holding onto them. Not being afraid of the pain I may feel on a mental level and let the thought flow through me and try to breath it out. When I breathe in I try to think I am breathing in a fresh and positive life for the future and when I breathe out I breathe out the past and the pain. Because isn't expelling a breath releasing the carbon dioxide and inhaling a breath is pulling into your body fresh oxygen. Doing this process has not been easy and again it needs to be constant and it has to be practiced. As I go through the day I just catch myself and try to be more aware of my thoughts.
When I go to the temple there is a prayer that we say and it says through darkness there is light and through light there is darkness. They go hand in hand. I cannot live trying to avoid the darkness and think I will get to the light. I have to go through the darkness and live it feel it to get to the light.
After last weekend’s intense amount of time at the temple. I couldn’t go back for a few days. So the first couple of days after I finished the talks and meditations I felt great. I was coming up with epiphanies about my life that I have never thought about before. I didn’t know how much was inside me, deep inside me that I was doing just from things that happened in my past and yet I just kept doing them.
For example my friends always say that you find a sad soul or someone who is lost and you give and give until their life is on track again or they find themselves. I have done this way too often and find that when people find themselves they move onto something else. I give alot of my energy to someone so they can feel better and then when they move on I am angry. I will say "I did this all for you, you owe me". I realized in a epiphany that one of the reasons why I think I do this is because one of my friends committed suicide. I didn’t see it coming and I think I kind of convinced her to go to her parents house because I didn’t know what else to do. I was angry with her at times. I would think just snap out of it, what is wrong with you?
We lived together and three months after she left she committed suicide. I think deep deep down this is my way of protecting people and getting over my guilt. I have seen the worst that can happen when you don’t have your friends around you in your darkest hour. I see someone sad and want to reach in their soul and take the pain away. And its to a fault. Its to the point that I lose myself in them, I need them to make myself feel better. I need someone who needs me.
Perfect example would be the 22 year old I just dated whose mom is an alcoholic and left them. He went to jail, was an addict himself. Came out of rehab and I helped him get some direction. This included getting totally involved to the point that I got my heart broken, again.
Anyway I have been trying to let things flow, my thoughts. Thoughts come in like my breath and leave like my breath. I have doing this for last couple of days. I haven’t meditated in 3 days but just been focusing on my thought. Being aware when one thought comes in and seeing it for what it is just a thought that I can breath out of my body. When I hold on to that thought I create the emotion around it. Every emotion builds on top of the next. The next thought I have comes from the emotion I just created from my previous thought it builds and builds. By Saturday with no meditation I was a mess. By Sunday night I was balling to my friends on the phone. I went to meditation on Saturday and Sunday. Well I feel a lot better now. So it has been a roller coaster ride of a week. I really did go from feeling very free to extreme distress. But I am going to keep working on it. Thanks friends for the calls and letting me let it out.
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
Sunday, November 2, 2008
Suffering
I may jump around from time to time with what is going on within me. I think for a while it will be all jumbled in my brain until I can get to a point where it will combine together into more understanding. I have spent 7.5 hours at the temple this week. It is alot to do. I feel like I am in serious physicaly therapy, it's hard, it's painful but I know this is what I need to do right now to find me.
On Thursday my calling to the temple was strong. We have a happy hour every Thursday at work which I go to "religiously" (lol), this week my Self wanted me to go to the temple. That is the first time that the duality of my ego lost to my higher Self. It was good. It was 30 mins of Sezen where you sit and meditate, followed by a ceromony for Buddha's (people practicing) who are going on to their next levels. It was nice. Then it was followed by a talk.
And although I didn't need a drink I still had to stop by the bar on my way home and have 2 or 3 glasses of wine. Friday was Halloween and me being lazy and not wanting to deal with any crowds I went back to the same bar and drank again. Saturday there was a Dharma talk where we discussed the 4 Noble Truths about Buddhism. I am going to write this in a the best way I can describe my understanding of these principles.
1. Life means suffering. Everything in life is suffering. We may have the perfect thing that we hold in our hands today and it may be gone tommorow. We have desires that are never met. We have gotten things we didn't want. We have family that is sick, chrildren at school. And all these things make us happy in one moment can make us sad in the next. This creates a state of impermance where we know whatever it is that has brung us joy today will change and dissipates until another joy comes and dissipates. Like a flower that comes out and then dies. Everything is changing. And Humans don't like change. They want to hold on to whatever makes us happy forever but that is impossible, nothing will make you forever happy. That is the suffering of the human existence.
2. The origin of suffering is attachment. From what I understand of this there is a diffence between allowing a thought to enter you body or just letting it flow through you like air without holding onto it. It's like when we are happy we want to hold onto that feeling, but you can't it will always go away and there will be saddness when it is gone. We can hold onto the sadness and then feel angry that we are sad but we are still holding. What I am starting to realize is you can feel sadness, joy, anger all of this but let it flow through you. Its not who you are its an emotion that you are feeling now and it may not feel that good but just let it flow. Feel bad, feel good, but let the emotions flow. In Meditation when my mind is blank thoughts do come into my head. And since it will be angry or sad thoughts I view them objectically so I can see them and release them but I do not grasp hold of them and let them take residence in my body or mind. Thoughts come in I am aware I may get clafication but then I let them leave. By no means is this easy. You can get caught on thought after thought and it will stop your mind from moving you will just feel that same emotion over and over again. This is not easy and this is where the practice of buddhism takes the most time. It is hard and it is opening up your soul this is practice you must continue to do.
3. The cessation of suffering is attainable. these two below I haven't gotten to yet.
4. The path to the cessation of suffering.
But examining 1 I see where the suffering in life is. I have attachments to my job and people and more importantly my thoughts of who I think I am and how the world should be. As long as I hold on to this perception of the world there is no possible way to move forward. I also know during this process I must confront those old ways of thinking and open my mind. Hard work!!!
My life hasn't turned out the way I thought it would and I can't see me living everday the way I was with no sense of being in my life. So after I did that depression meditation the other day I found those demons in my mind, depression he is king, he gets my worry demon all worked up so anxiety can join in. Once they are togther they bring fear along for the party. Oh I forgot anger and bitterness too! So we got a lot of guys to keep us company.
I started today in meditation trying to bring my mind open concetrate on my breathing and really seeing where those emotions are coming from. I tried to do it as an outside observer. It was good. I finally had some light in my mind as why i feel this way all the time instead of being. Because I hold onto these emotions too much and now this is my personality. Its not who I Am. After another 1.5 hours of meditation, I was angry I was brooding. I was trying to come out of it but I couldn't. So wanted a drink but chose against it. As for right now when I am focusing on this stuff putting alcohol in the equation will only slow the proccess down. When you work on the meditation you should let it resonate with for a few days.
In this second session I realized my whole life I have been hording these emotions to myself for years and years. When I just didn't process things by letting them flow through me but by holding onto them and just trying to find something else to make me happy. Coming home I sat down on my sofa and I just started to cry and cry and cry. It was a good cry when you know you are relieveing or letting something go. But to end on a positive note today. I feel good. I feel like I worked really hard and was able to open this really tight jar a bit and start seeing what's in there.
On Thursday my calling to the temple was strong. We have a happy hour every Thursday at work which I go to "religiously" (lol), this week my Self wanted me to go to the temple. That is the first time that the duality of my ego lost to my higher Self. It was good. It was 30 mins of Sezen where you sit and meditate, followed by a ceromony for Buddha's (people practicing) who are going on to their next levels. It was nice. Then it was followed by a talk.
And although I didn't need a drink I still had to stop by the bar on my way home and have 2 or 3 glasses of wine. Friday was Halloween and me being lazy and not wanting to deal with any crowds I went back to the same bar and drank again. Saturday there was a Dharma talk where we discussed the 4 Noble Truths about Buddhism. I am going to write this in a the best way I can describe my understanding of these principles.
1. Life means suffering. Everything in life is suffering. We may have the perfect thing that we hold in our hands today and it may be gone tommorow. We have desires that are never met. We have gotten things we didn't want. We have family that is sick, chrildren at school. And all these things make us happy in one moment can make us sad in the next. This creates a state of impermance where we know whatever it is that has brung us joy today will change and dissipates until another joy comes and dissipates. Like a flower that comes out and then dies. Everything is changing. And Humans don't like change. They want to hold on to whatever makes us happy forever but that is impossible, nothing will make you forever happy. That is the suffering of the human existence.
2. The origin of suffering is attachment. From what I understand of this there is a diffence between allowing a thought to enter you body or just letting it flow through you like air without holding onto it. It's like when we are happy we want to hold onto that feeling, but you can't it will always go away and there will be saddness when it is gone. We can hold onto the sadness and then feel angry that we are sad but we are still holding. What I am starting to realize is you can feel sadness, joy, anger all of this but let it flow through you. Its not who you are its an emotion that you are feeling now and it may not feel that good but just let it flow. Feel bad, feel good, but let the emotions flow. In Meditation when my mind is blank thoughts do come into my head. And since it will be angry or sad thoughts I view them objectically so I can see them and release them but I do not grasp hold of them and let them take residence in my body or mind. Thoughts come in I am aware I may get clafication but then I let them leave. By no means is this easy. You can get caught on thought after thought and it will stop your mind from moving you will just feel that same emotion over and over again. This is not easy and this is where the practice of buddhism takes the most time. It is hard and it is opening up your soul this is practice you must continue to do.
3. The cessation of suffering is attainable. these two below I haven't gotten to yet.
4. The path to the cessation of suffering.
But examining 1 I see where the suffering in life is. I have attachments to my job and people and more importantly my thoughts of who I think I am and how the world should be. As long as I hold on to this perception of the world there is no possible way to move forward. I also know during this process I must confront those old ways of thinking and open my mind. Hard work!!!
My life hasn't turned out the way I thought it would and I can't see me living everday the way I was with no sense of being in my life. So after I did that depression meditation the other day I found those demons in my mind, depression he is king, he gets my worry demon all worked up so anxiety can join in. Once they are togther they bring fear along for the party. Oh I forgot anger and bitterness too! So we got a lot of guys to keep us company.
I started today in meditation trying to bring my mind open concetrate on my breathing and really seeing where those emotions are coming from. I tried to do it as an outside observer. It was good. I finally had some light in my mind as why i feel this way all the time instead of being. Because I hold onto these emotions too much and now this is my personality. Its not who I Am. After another 1.5 hours of meditation, I was angry I was brooding. I was trying to come out of it but I couldn't. So wanted a drink but chose against it. As for right now when I am focusing on this stuff putting alcohol in the equation will only slow the proccess down. When you work on the meditation you should let it resonate with for a few days.
In this second session I realized my whole life I have been hording these emotions to myself for years and years. When I just didn't process things by letting them flow through me but by holding onto them and just trying to find something else to make me happy. Coming home I sat down on my sofa and I just started to cry and cry and cry. It was a good cry when you know you are relieveing or letting something go. But to end on a positive note today. I feel good. I feel like I worked really hard and was able to open this really tight jar a bit and start seeing what's in there.
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
oh what a long two days
I have begun to go to a Buddhist temple next to my house. I went to the liturgy Sunday morning where another sign came to me about what I was thinking. In the last blog I mentioned I wanted to get back to the Self that I was when I was born before life shaped my thoughts. Well the monk mentioned this on Sunday as well. And although when we are babies we may not be able to see, talk, or walk or higher Self exists in its purest form. Lets see if I can explain it. What I was thinking and what he was saying was that if we could go into ourselves to the place where we started without all the things that happened to you in your life you may be able to the Self you were born as without anger, anxiety, bitterness, etc. We had no sense of time as a baby and no expectations of ourselves that would disappoint us. We were exactly who we should be or are. I am sitting on this thought for a while. I don't know yet how it will come together for me, but I know that getting to that part of me is very important in this journey.
I am practicing Zen Buddhism to help with this journey and I am reading books on this philosophy to help me. One book that I am reading is the "The Zen Path Through Depression" by Philip Martin. In one of his early talks about depression he talks about how it is a like a physical pain. He has a meditation that he talks about on page 12 which has put me in a tail spin. I am jumping out of my skin. I cried for two hours last night and called in sick to work. I do not normally do that. But this meditation is well worth it.
He says when you meditate feel and work through the pain instead of dismissing it. His exact words are, "As the pain begins to grow remind yourself of your intention not to run from it, but instead explore it thoroughly. When you first become aware of it, identify it as simply "pain." Then move on to look closely at its qualities."
Whoa!!! Well that is what I have done for the last two days. Its not easy. It is important to understand the issue of actually feeling that pain, acknowledging it like you would a physical pain. If you had a physical pain what would you say to yourself? "How did I hurt myself? If I do this does it hurt? How can I make it better? What can I do to make the pain go away? I have suffered from depression for years, but when I finally thought of it as a physical pain I have been able to acknowledge my depression, how bad it is and how much I have done not to deal with it and heal it. I am like a quarterback that is constantly in the game. Any pain I have I say shoot me up, give me painkillers, do what you have to but put me in that game. As I keep going back into the game and play normally like there was nothing wrong and never acknowledging the injury well it is only going to get worse. With numbing out the pain you have never allowed that injury to heal. The pain is masked so you can continue what you were doing. Constantly injuring yourself over and over again because you are doing the same thing. How does this help us?
That's what I realize what I have been doing with my depression. In the two days of meditation that I have done, allowing my pain to come forefront in my mind, to acknowledge it, see it, feel it and examine it like a doctor would a physical injury. I finally been able to see beyond my depression. It wasn't easy. Its a deep part of you that is not pretty like if you had to cut your own leg open and look inside one would not enjoy the sight. And I am just at the start.
Seeing in my minds eye my pain, the description of it. Wow, I didn't realize the extent of my depression and what it was made up of. I am so angry more than I have ever thought, bitter about the things that I didn't get that I have always wanted, scared to be myself because I want to be so perfect. I don't even know who the real me is anymore. Instead of a person who knows who I really am, I cannot because my brain is constantly thinking of my next move. What will I do in this moment to be accepted instead of just accepting the moment. What I can I change about myself in this moment so the moment will be perfect and happy? Can I just allow the moment to occur without any anticipation of what it should be?
After the meditation it is only hurt I can feel. It is an intense pain which I wish would go away. I wish I could have a drink or two but I can't today because I am going to my parents. Oh so that's why I need a drink I say to myself. I want to go back into the game but I don't want to have this feeling. I don't want to fight through it. I want it to go away. I meditate again for an hour. And more comes to light. I haven't said anything yet to these feelings of anger, bitterness, anxiety, etc but I have finally acknowledged that they exist. Which is huge for me. There in my light I see it. Still this has been a very hard day. I couldn't take the realization of all this. When I didn't realize the extent of how deep my feelings go and am still going to find out more.
Writing this down today has helped a great deal for a day that started out as the great depression.
I am practicing Zen Buddhism to help with this journey and I am reading books on this philosophy to help me. One book that I am reading is the "The Zen Path Through Depression" by Philip Martin. In one of his early talks about depression he talks about how it is a like a physical pain. He has a meditation that he talks about on page 12 which has put me in a tail spin. I am jumping out of my skin. I cried for two hours last night and called in sick to work. I do not normally do that. But this meditation is well worth it.
He says when you meditate feel and work through the pain instead of dismissing it. His exact words are, "As the pain begins to grow remind yourself of your intention not to run from it, but instead explore it thoroughly. When you first become aware of it, identify it as simply "pain." Then move on to look closely at its qualities."
Whoa!!! Well that is what I have done for the last two days. Its not easy. It is important to understand the issue of actually feeling that pain, acknowledging it like you would a physical pain. If you had a physical pain what would you say to yourself? "How did I hurt myself? If I do this does it hurt? How can I make it better? What can I do to make the pain go away? I have suffered from depression for years, but when I finally thought of it as a physical pain I have been able to acknowledge my depression, how bad it is and how much I have done not to deal with it and heal it. I am like a quarterback that is constantly in the game. Any pain I have I say shoot me up, give me painkillers, do what you have to but put me in that game. As I keep going back into the game and play normally like there was nothing wrong and never acknowledging the injury well it is only going to get worse. With numbing out the pain you have never allowed that injury to heal. The pain is masked so you can continue what you were doing. Constantly injuring yourself over and over again because you are doing the same thing. How does this help us?
That's what I realize what I have been doing with my depression. In the two days of meditation that I have done, allowing my pain to come forefront in my mind, to acknowledge it, see it, feel it and examine it like a doctor would a physical injury. I finally been able to see beyond my depression. It wasn't easy. Its a deep part of you that is not pretty like if you had to cut your own leg open and look inside one would not enjoy the sight. And I am just at the start.
Seeing in my minds eye my pain, the description of it. Wow, I didn't realize the extent of my depression and what it was made up of. I am so angry more than I have ever thought, bitter about the things that I didn't get that I have always wanted, scared to be myself because I want to be so perfect. I don't even know who the real me is anymore. Instead of a person who knows who I really am, I cannot because my brain is constantly thinking of my next move. What will I do in this moment to be accepted instead of just accepting the moment. What I can I change about myself in this moment so the moment will be perfect and happy? Can I just allow the moment to occur without any anticipation of what it should be?
After the meditation it is only hurt I can feel. It is an intense pain which I wish would go away. I wish I could have a drink or two but I can't today because I am going to my parents. Oh so that's why I need a drink I say to myself. I want to go back into the game but I don't want to have this feeling. I don't want to fight through it. I want it to go away. I meditate again for an hour. And more comes to light. I haven't said anything yet to these feelings of anger, bitterness, anxiety, etc but I have finally acknowledged that they exist. Which is huge for me. There in my light I see it. Still this has been a very hard day. I couldn't take the realization of all this. When I didn't realize the extent of how deep my feelings go and am still going to find out more.
Writing this down today has helped a great deal for a day that started out as the great depression.
Sunday, October 26, 2008
Birthday
This week was my Birthday instead of the fanfare I used to remember of years past this year I felt lonely and hollow. I was dreading the day coming and was happy when it was over. This felt completely different than other birthdays I have had.
Don't you remember when you were younger and the excitement of your birthday coming created an impatience within you for the day to arrive. I would have lists in my head about what I would want to get. Your parents and older relatives would say, "oh your birthday is coming what do you want?" "what type of party would you like to have?" In school and at home there would be people who would come around and wish you a Happy Birthday and for that day everyone celebrated the day you were born into this world.
As you got older, maybe while you were in college it was about drinking. An excuse to get drunk and for everyone to share in that drunken celebration. Then you get those really serious boyfriends who would adorn you in jewelry on your birthday, say I love you at dinner and the day was all around special day for you from the one you loved. Dinner for two and a little romance was all that was needed to have a great day. There are also the years you think this will be the birthday he gives you the engagement ring.
So for the first time, this year, in a long time I didn’t have a boyfriend. I am 37 single and have been in two long term relationships that came very close to marriage but didn’t quite get there. I have spent most of my adult life searching and searching for the man I am going to marry. And as I get here to this point in my life I wonder why it just hasn’t happened for me. So I decided this year I would spend that time on myself. I want to understand me. Get to know me. What are my thoughts? Who am I? Why am I here? Mostly I don’t want to spend the rest of my life alone and I want to understand what is it that keeps these relationships from growing. So everyday for the next year I am going to go through somewhat of a spiritual journey.
Its funny when I decided to do this introspection it was before my birthday. I have been thinking about doing this soul searching for a while. And like a message my horoscope on that day for my birthday said this year would be a spiritual journey for you. Not that I fully believe in all that, but it was interesting to say the least. Maybe it was a sign I was finally moving in the direction I was suppose to and not fighting against what was or is. Instead saying I want this or I want to be here in my life and because I am not I am angry or sad or hurt. Maybe this is where I am suppose to be right now.
I remember when I was younger people would say I need to go out and find my self. I don’t think I ever understood what that really meant. But I am starting to now more and more. I just don’t feel whole there is something missing. And it's me. I am not as sure about myself as I used to be. I am scared a lot of the time I get nervous talking to people. This isn't me, this isn't what I was like before, this is somthing that has begun to take over and I want me, my true self to be here.
This time on birthday I decided not to think about it terms of my special day with friends, family, or celebrations. But what my birthday means to ME. What my life means to me. I feel like I have been coasting through life for quite sometime without a purpose, trying relationships or drinking or friends to fill this void I feel yet it doesn't work. Maybe temporarly but it is always there or not. So what does my life mean to me?
Let's start with the actual day that I was born into this world. How my life started. I can only imagine what it must feel like to have a new life. But I imagine myself born as a clean slate. Born perfect and new before life had the time to mold you into its little toy.
I have felt my larger Self at times and it is has been wonderful and peaceful. I want to find that again. But this time I know how fleeting it is and I believe that it can be constant in me if I make sure that it is continous part of me that is flowing and not a destination that I am going to reach one day and be done.
Are you ready to start?
Don't you remember when you were younger and the excitement of your birthday coming created an impatience within you for the day to arrive. I would have lists in my head about what I would want to get. Your parents and older relatives would say, "oh your birthday is coming what do you want?" "what type of party would you like to have?" In school and at home there would be people who would come around and wish you a Happy Birthday and for that day everyone celebrated the day you were born into this world.
As you got older, maybe while you were in college it was about drinking. An excuse to get drunk and for everyone to share in that drunken celebration. Then you get those really serious boyfriends who would adorn you in jewelry on your birthday, say I love you at dinner and the day was all around special day for you from the one you loved. Dinner for two and a little romance was all that was needed to have a great day. There are also the years you think this will be the birthday he gives you the engagement ring.
So for the first time, this year, in a long time I didn’t have a boyfriend. I am 37 single and have been in two long term relationships that came very close to marriage but didn’t quite get there. I have spent most of my adult life searching and searching for the man I am going to marry. And as I get here to this point in my life I wonder why it just hasn’t happened for me. So I decided this year I would spend that time on myself. I want to understand me. Get to know me. What are my thoughts? Who am I? Why am I here? Mostly I don’t want to spend the rest of my life alone and I want to understand what is it that keeps these relationships from growing. So everyday for the next year I am going to go through somewhat of a spiritual journey.
Its funny when I decided to do this introspection it was before my birthday. I have been thinking about doing this soul searching for a while. And like a message my horoscope on that day for my birthday said this year would be a spiritual journey for you. Not that I fully believe in all that, but it was interesting to say the least. Maybe it was a sign I was finally moving in the direction I was suppose to and not fighting against what was or is. Instead saying I want this or I want to be here in my life and because I am not I am angry or sad or hurt. Maybe this is where I am suppose to be right now.
I remember when I was younger people would say I need to go out and find my self. I don’t think I ever understood what that really meant. But I am starting to now more and more. I just don’t feel whole there is something missing. And it's me. I am not as sure about myself as I used to be. I am scared a lot of the time I get nervous talking to people. This isn't me, this isn't what I was like before, this is somthing that has begun to take over and I want me, my true self to be here.
This time on birthday I decided not to think about it terms of my special day with friends, family, or celebrations. But what my birthday means to ME. What my life means to me. I feel like I have been coasting through life for quite sometime without a purpose, trying relationships or drinking or friends to fill this void I feel yet it doesn't work. Maybe temporarly but it is always there or not. So what does my life mean to me?
Let's start with the actual day that I was born into this world. How my life started. I can only imagine what it must feel like to have a new life. But I imagine myself born as a clean slate. Born perfect and new before life had the time to mold you into its little toy.
I have felt my larger Self at times and it is has been wonderful and peaceful. I want to find that again. But this time I know how fleeting it is and I believe that it can be constant in me if I make sure that it is continous part of me that is flowing and not a destination that I am going to reach one day and be done.
Are you ready to start?
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