Tuesday, July 21, 2009

The Cleaner

I can't stop watching The Cleaner. Maybe its because its a great show, maybe because Ben Bratt is hot!! But I think it comes down to the fact it is one of the most realistic shows about addiction. Intervention is just a fluff show if you have ever been through it and maybe a few times you have no idea. Watching someone die in front of your eyes and you can't do a thing about it. Is horrible its like watching some one having cancer and watching them die. But for me i was lucky two stints at rehab for my brother and now he is sober three years. But thats not my point. My point is addicts have so much pain its hard to get through to them...they give up them selves more so than anyone.. they are harder on themselves than anyone.. and all i think about is how can i get past my anger so i can be that person for my "addict" that doesn't destroy me or my family!! him being gone with his addiction would do the same. destroy my family, my life, and him. Thank god for small favors!!!

Monday, February 9, 2009

Are you being true to yourself?

I asked this question now to myself everyday, maybe a few times a day. I think about my life, about me. I have noticed the deeper I go into my true Self I respond to things in my life in a more authentic manner. I react or act from a place that is from my soul and there is no uncomfortableness, insecurity, or question if I did the right thing. I did the true thing. I did what was the only thing I could do when I listen to my soul or my higher self. It came from within me.

My next question is am I behaving in a way that I think people are going to accept me or where I accept myself? There are two sides to this coin people would say, don't you have to behave in certain ways that is acceptable to society, for example like telling someone the truth about their ugly dress or that you just don't like them for whatever reason, or just wanting to tell someone to quit their whining this is the way it is so live with it. The other side to this is that if you know yourself enough and what your intentions are that this type of conundrum wouldn't occur. Because your true self doesn't come from intentions or thoughts it just comes from within.

I will get back to this thing about intentions. But first I want to talk a little bit about our true self.

What I am trying to get at with this blog and what I am trying to find that pure self that I was born with, the one without all the conditioning of life. If I look into myself now I can see a light that sometimes gets darkened but for the most part keeps me pure. This I have done through extended meditations and truly sitting and being alone to understand who I am. What do I think about? What do I focus my time to? What do I do for myself? I know we live in a busy world but having something that is truly your own, something that you like to do, whatever it is, is very important during this process. I recommend doing something very monotonous. Like Knitting, sanding, painting, artwork, writing, or any other medium you want to use to express yourself. I am currently working on making grass. Yup as crazy as it sounds I one day had a vision of having grass in my apartment so I went to the fabric store and bought green silk and I am cutting it slowly and letting it grow. As it grows I grow. As I see myself coming out of me onto a medium that I can see and feel I feel closer to seeing a part of myself that may have been hidden. I also feel more patient and more focused. Getting into my soul and pushing this thing out whatever that may be has in part showed how my inner voice can come out. Sometimes its not through words sometimes its just about creating. Creating anything.

So with this practice I have come to see my intentions clearer, because I have looked in myself and saw one thing that I wanted to let out in another form. It is helped me to know. Just know.

Now lets look at intentions. As things start becoming clearer in my mind I start to see where my intentions come from. Lets say that I decided to make that grass. Well its stupid right? waste of time? Well these are some of the thoughts I had. Even to the point where when I went to purchase the material and the salesman asked me what this was for I said for pillow covers. Why did I do that. Why was I afraid to be my true self. Why was I afraid to say I am making grass. This can go down two ways. You may say its none of his business and you just don't want to get into it. But if I said that I would be lying. That is not the reason, that was not where my intention came from. It really came from the fact that I just didn't want to be judged. Now if my intention was I wanted to keep it to myself that would have been fine, but I knew it came from fear of being accepted from someone outside of me and not from inside of me. Right there in that second I showed a fear of being myself. I still want to say to myself that it came from it not being his business. But I truly know this is a lie.

That's what intentions are. And that is what we must learn in order to understand where we are coming from when we say or do things.

So lets take the previous examples that I talked about earlier. Telling someone about their ugly dress. Well this one is simple if I know my true self, I know why I was saying that, and it would come out into the world with that intention. We are so good at hiding our intentions that we don't even know it most of the time. So I ask myself do I want to tell her to make her feel bad? Am I saying that because I am jealous that I couldn't afford that dress? Or do I just say it to myself to make me feel better about my dress so I can feel superior. These thoughts are your true self and looking at them shows your intentions.

Understanding my underlying attention has been significant at this point. And don't lie to yourself. The truth is there and the more you get into your Self the more you will understand the reactions you have and the things you say and why you do what you do? It is freeing to say the least. But again all this takes time. Slowly, continuously, like water against a rock. It will slowly erode it. So I ask myself a few times a day, what was my intention was it to be acceptable to others or acceptable to me. I have to look at myself in the mirror. I have to live with myself. And I want to be proud of myself.

This is a perfect time to talk about wall street. When you live in a world where everything is about money. Everyday everyone is talking about what they bought what they have what they want to buy. Soon you fall into a world that that is acceptable conversation everyday. And because of that you may lose sight of yourself or your business. You are trying to get bigger and richer. And there is nothing wrong with that. But the intention there was for greed, to be better than the other person because of money. People lost sight of who they were. Their intentions were called out because they were for a self that is not pure it is for the ego. And that only lasts so long.

Monday, January 5, 2009

The process that is the Universe

In my Zen meditation we walk very slowly around the room. An inch at a time. I didn’t understand what the reason for doing this was. One day I realized what this practice was doing for me. It was teaching me that we are always moving forward but as humans we tend to want to move faster through moments. Through this I was beginning to learn patience. Experiencing the journey and not waiting to get to a destination. There is no destination. It’s a practice to help you experience the journey. It is helping me to understand that life isn’t about a destination that I need to hurriedly get to. The Universe is always moving forward. Except as humans in this society especially we are not in tune with that rhythm which is the very way that the universe works. We put ourselves at odds with the natural flow of the universe. We know that mountains and rivers are constantly changing but as humans we can’t physically see that. But we know it does. Our life is part of the whole universe that was moving forward before we became into existence and will continue to move forward after we are not here anymore.
Realizing and knowing the rhythm of the universe helps you be a part of it. Allows it to flow through you and for you to flow through it. We are used to the now. We want instant gratification. We want to fill our needs and desires now. We expect things to change overnight. They don’t. Setting your mind to the tune of the way universe moves we are in tune with the world around us instead of pushing it forward to some destination that you want to get to.
I know that when I was born I didn’t have a sense of time. But after I had realized that time existed I started even at the deepest core of my being starting to want things to move forward wanting to get somewhere. We are watching the clock within us to see how much time it takes to get anywhere. The more I understand this concept of time the more understand that we are constantly moving and flowing forward. Once we start with that little voice in our head that I will never get there, what is taking so long, we are going against time. Remember you are always on your way.

Going Through My Blockage

I debated about titling this entry “Breaking My Blockage”. But I am starting to realize that life is a process and breaking it creates this notion that it can be taken down in a moment and it will be gone. But it doesn’t just go away, I have to go through it, I have to spend time with it understand it, where it came from and why and then only can I get past it. Once I do I will have gone through my belief so I do not view the world through this belief anymore. I would have created an opening through that blockage so it doesn’t filter my world. But that belief will always be in the back of my mind and it may creep up again. I would be disillusioned to think I could just remove it forever. But I do see that belief now and I see a light coming in and I am going to go towards that light. Life is a process, a journey; it is full of experiences that create you, not your judgmental thoughts.
This notion of always getting to a destination is so familiar in our western culture. If I get there I will be happy. But we live in a universe in a world that is so large that getting to one place is really such a small part of this life. Living your whole life from birth to death is your total existence not the one thing that you did, one time but everything you do all the time. It’s not about getting there now and being unhappy about not being there. You are there. You are there all the time because we are part of a whole cycle. A whole process of growth through our experiences.
For me I see how many times I have moved too fast to get to a destination just to be disappointed again. Because I want things to be different and change quickly. I want to be there where I am happy whether I am ready or not. I just want to get there. The thing is if I allow myself to experience my life then I am always getting there. It’s when I create these blockages that I stop myself.
How many times have been hurt or disappointed by something and you just want to get to that place where you don’t feel that anymore. For me I used to do this in relationships. When one didn’t work out I needed to get into another one fast. I just wanted to be there in a relationship. If I was hurt or disappointed I want it to be over with. I wanted to be happy again. Just like that with a snap of a finger. Everything should return to the state where I was happy for that moment. And I just keep trying to get there. With that mindset I have set myself up for failure and more disappointment which leads to more beliefs about how I will never get there. I am getting there all the time. I have to go through the hurt and through the pain. I have to let it flow through me then I am living and experiencing life and then I am truly getting there, if there was a there.
We have this saying in this culture “when you fall off a horse pick yourself up and do it again”. I agree completely with that statement but sometimes you have to heal yourself first before you are ready to jump in again. I remember an acupuncturist I went to once and she said something I will never forget but never fully understood until now. I had just ended a three year relationship in which I thought I was going to be married. I jumped back on the horse and started dating again. I wanted to move on as quickly as possible. I had a hard time in the next relationship. I wasn’t myself and I was dumped. Pretty badly too. After six months there was no phone call or returned phone call just an email telling me he was done and I never heard from him again. The thing was I just wasn’t ready yet to be in another relationship even if I thought that was the only way for me to feel good. And all I wind up doing is affirming something that wasn’t true that I can’t be loved or I will never find someone to love. The truth was I just wasn’t ready. When I was telling my acupuncturist the story I was so down on myself and lost a lot of hope that anything would work out for me. She said to me in this society we move too fast and we always want to stay in the spring and summer of our life. But here is the thing life; every part of it has four seasons. Spring, summer, fall, and winter. You can’t enjoy one without the other. How would you know it was spring unless you just went through winter? Otherwise spring would always be spring and then what would spring mean to you then. It wouldn’t have meaning it would sit by itself and you would never know the difference. Think about it, would the happiness of spring have any meaning if it was always spring? The fact is your always moving forward but you have to go through the winter to get to spring. You have to go through the darkness to get to the light. And there always is light unless you create a blockage or belief that won’t allow you to see this.
Allowing these emotions to flow through us is how we go through it. The experience even if it makes you sad is ok. We concentrate on trying to be happy all the time. It is ok to be sad. It is ok to alone sometimes. And when you are alone is when you can see your true soul and are able be the Self that you are and not the one of circumstance. That circumstance is one moment.
So the way I have been working through this is being alone. Alone with myself. Seeing who I am deep inside. Hearing my inner voice. My true voice. And as I spend more time with myself I am living through my true Self, my soul, and not through my thoughts.

Finding My Blockage

I think I can be obsessive with my thoughts. I may at times repeat the same thought in my head over and over again. This is a condition I have but I have been trying to work past it through my meditation. I have been re training myself to let my thoughts flow and that is the only way I have been able to let go. I think as humans when we think about anything or have thoughts about it we tend to look for like thoughts to affirm our original thought or belief. In the subconscious of our mind we work constantly affirming ourselves and our thoughts. And each thought we have we build on it until these thoughts become a belief. A belief is a blockage. If the belief before that women weren’t equal that was a blockage as we do not participate in that belief now, although some do I am sure. When you create a belief how can you change it? Does it change? Should it change? If we have a belief is that allowing things to flow or are you allowing yourself to look for like thoughts to make that belief stronger. Aren’t you then looking at the world and dividing it into two areas, one that conforms to my belief so it is right or two it does not conform to my belief so it is wrong. But how do you know that the belief you are choosing to judge the world around you is right or wrong to begin with.
I started this blog to find out more about myself. Why I am the way I am and why my relationships aren’t really working for me. And I am beginning to know or understand some things about me. When I first started dating and I dated someone for a while whether they broke it off or I did. I may say something like this to myself in a whisper that I could barely hear. “I will never find someone to love or no one could ever love me.” In the beginning of dating these were some of my first thoughts or judgments. Just by saying the word never or ever I created a thought that is so absolute. It was one thought though right? A piece of energy that could pass through me. But by creating an absolute statement around it I made it permanent. Instead of letting that thought flow through me I nested it in my subconscious. Yes we all have these thoughts sometimes but is it right to make them an absolute statement? If I had that thought and let it pass through me like a piece of energy; in through my forehead passing right through the back of my head and leaving wouldn’t that thought now just be for a moment. There is a difference, in that one moment I could choose whether to hold onto that thought or to let it go.
I demised myself by saying something so absolute and for what. Is it true? Is it not? Is it a right thought? Or is it wrong? Is it reality or is it my perception. If someone else said that to me would it hurt yes, but wouldn’t I argue that it wasn’t true? So why wouldn’t I do that for myself? Because at some level I want to affirm my thought. I also want to be right. But if someone said that to me over and over again would I not eventually believe this to be true. And the whole time it is me saying this to myself. In every relationship that does not work out. I make myself believe this to be true so isn’t it my truth that I chose to believe about myself.
If I took the time when I was younger to understand what I was perpetuating in me. To take time to understand my true Self the one that is pure. But instead I judged myself and laid the groundwork for those thoughts and energy to cluster together to become a belief. It was my belief I created and only I alone have the power to change it. We all do.


Been awhile since I updated my blog, but it wasn’t because I wasn’t journeying to me. I was actually travelling around a bit and been a little busy with the holidays. I have been taking notes though and have come up with a few entries. So we may have a whole bunch of new entries at one time.
My biggest thing that I have been constantly working on is the concept of Flow. That my thoughts are pieces of energy that moves constantly. Holding on to one thought and you give that thought power to eventually become a belief. Think of all the thoughts you have had. How many of them, had you just let it flow through you would not have created the anger, regret, or sadness you feel now. All these thoughts together eventually create an emotion in you. You live off of these emotions and every time you have a choice to make or a conversation with someone you cannot fully communicate your true Self. Your reaction to everything comes from those emotions. Those emotions are your beliefs that filter the world around you so that everything you experience is through this filter you have created in your mind. Your perception of the world is through this filter. Your reactions are through this filter. Everything you do is through this filter of beliefs and thoughts that you have created yourself. How did you create this filter? And is what I experience and do truly through that filter? Yes it is.
For me it has been my negative thoughts about myself who made me believe I am something so different than who I truly am. I have created a blockage so that my true Self could not come through. I realize now that my true Self goes through all these thoughts and emotions just to interact with the world outside of me. When I talk about your true Self or your soul I am referring to that place where I want to find again. That place where your soul or your energy came into this world pure before it entered into the physical plane of your body. That soul, Self, energy was pure and the things that have happened through our life have created a self that is not in perfect alignment with that Pure Self.
One of these reasons why this has happened is that every thought I have had about myself I kept that thought and built on it, whether it was good or bad, right or wrong, real or my perception at the end of the day it was just a thought. And I have been living my life through all my previous thoughts and emotions. I haven’t been living my life to understand that things are just what it is. There is no judgment on about anything we do our see unless we create it our self.
This change in thinking has made a huge difference. And the only way I have been able to somewhat work on this and believe me I have a long way to go is just to sit still in meditate. Start observing my thoughts and beliefs in a non judgmental way. To think of these thoughts I have as pieces of energy that I let flow through. I almost visualize that they are entering my brain through my forehead and leaving through the back of my head as I am moving forward in time.

Tuesday, November 4, 2008


Ok the last couple of entries have been really intense even for me. I have been working through the concept of flow for the last couple of days. Allowing my emotions to flow without holding onto them. Not being afraid of the pain I may feel on a mental level and let the thought flow through me and try to breath it out. When I breathe in I try to think I am breathing in a fresh and positive life for the future and when I breathe out I breathe out the past and the pain. Because isn't expelling a breath releasing the carbon dioxide and inhaling a breath is pulling into your body fresh oxygen. Doing this process has not been easy and again it needs to be constant and it has to be practiced. As I go through the day I just catch myself and try to be more aware of my thoughts.

When I go to the temple there is a prayer that we say and it says through darkness there is light and through light there is darkness. They go hand in hand. I cannot live trying to avoid the darkness and think I will get to the light. I have to go through the darkness and live it feel it to get to the light.

After last weekend’s intense amount of time at the temple. I couldn’t go back for a few days. So the first couple of days after I finished the talks and meditations I felt great. I was coming up with epiphanies about my life that I have never thought about before. I didn’t know how much was inside me, deep inside me that I was doing just from things that happened in my past and yet I just kept doing them.

For example my friends always say that you find a sad soul or someone who is lost and you give and give until their life is on track again or they find themselves. I have done this way too often and find that when people find themselves they move onto something else. I give alot of my energy to someone so they can feel better and then when they move on I am angry. I will say "I did this all for you, you owe me". I realized in a epiphany that one of the reasons why I think I do this is because one of my friends committed suicide. I didn’t see it coming and I think I kind of convinced her to go to her parents house because I didn’t know what else to do. I was angry with her at times. I would think just snap out of it, what is wrong with you?

We lived together and three months after she left she committed suicide. I think deep deep down this is my way of protecting people and getting over my guilt. I have seen the worst that can happen when you don’t have your friends around you in your darkest hour. I see someone sad and want to reach in their soul and take the pain away. And its to a fault. Its to the point that I lose myself in them, I need them to make myself feel better. I need someone who needs me.

Perfect example would be the 22 year old I just dated whose mom is an alcoholic and left them. He went to jail, was an addict himself. Came out of rehab and I helped him get some direction. This included getting totally involved to the point that I got my heart broken, again.

Anyway I have been trying to let things flow, my thoughts. Thoughts come in like my breath and leave like my breath. I have doing this for last couple of days. I haven’t meditated in 3 days but just been focusing on my thought. Being aware when one thought comes in and seeing it for what it is just a thought that I can breath out of my body. When I hold on to that thought I create the emotion around it. Every emotion builds on top of the next. The next thought I have comes from the emotion I just created from my previous thought it builds and builds. By Saturday with no meditation I was a mess. By Sunday night I was balling to my friends on the phone. I went to meditation on Saturday and Sunday. Well I feel a lot better now. So it has been a roller coaster ride of a week. I really did go from feeling very free to extreme distress. But I am going to keep working on it. Thanks friends for the calls and letting me let it out.