Finding My Blockage

I think I can be obsessive with my thoughts. I may at times repeat the same thought in my head over and over again. This is a condition I have but I have been trying to work past it through my meditation. I have been re training myself to let my thoughts flow and that is the only way I have been able to let go. I think as humans when we think about anything or have thoughts about it we tend to look for like thoughts to affirm our original thought or belief. In the subconscious of our mind we work constantly affirming ourselves and our thoughts. And each thought we have we build on it until these thoughts become a belief. A belief is a blockage. If the belief before that women weren’t equal that was a blockage as we do not participate in that belief now, although some do I am sure. When you create a belief how can you change it? Does it change? Should it change? If we have a belief is that allowing things to flow or are you allowing yourself to look for like thoughts to make that belief stronger. Aren’t you then looking at the world and dividing it into two areas, one that conforms to my belief so it is right or two it does not conform to my belief so it is wrong. But how do you know that the belief you are choosing to judge the world around you is right or wrong to begin with.
I started this blog to find out more about myself. Why I am the way I am and why my relationships aren’t really working for me. And I am beginning to know or understand some things about me. When I first started dating and I dated someone for a while whether they broke it off or I did. I may say something like this to myself in a whisper that I could barely hear. “I will never find someone to love or no one could ever love me.” In the beginning of dating these were some of my first thoughts or judgments. Just by saying the word never or ever I created a thought that is so absolute. It was one thought though right? A piece of energy that could pass through me. But by creating an absolute statement around it I made it permanent. Instead of letting that thought flow through me I nested it in my subconscious. Yes we all have these thoughts sometimes but is it right to make them an absolute statement? If I had that thought and let it pass through me like a piece of energy; in through my forehead passing right through the back of my head and leaving wouldn’t that thought now just be for a moment. There is a difference, in that one moment I could choose whether to hold onto that thought or to let it go.
I demised myself by saying something so absolute and for what. Is it true? Is it not? Is it a right thought? Or is it wrong? Is it reality or is it my perception. If someone else said that to me would it hurt yes, but wouldn’t I argue that it wasn’t true? So why wouldn’t I do that for myself? Because at some level I want to affirm my thought. I also want to be right. But if someone said that to me over and over again would I not eventually believe this to be true. And the whole time it is me saying this to myself. In every relationship that does not work out. I make myself believe this to be true so isn’t it my truth that I chose to believe about myself.
If I took the time when I was younger to understand what I was perpetuating in me. To take time to understand my true Self the one that is pure. But instead I judged myself and laid the groundwork for those thoughts and energy to cluster together to become a belief. It was my belief I created and only I alone have the power to change it. We all do.