In my Zen meditation we walk very slowly around the room. An inch at a time. I didn’t understand what the reason for doing this was. One day I realized what this practice was doing for me. It was teaching me that we are always moving forward but as humans we tend to want to move faster through moments. Through this I was beginning to learn patience. Experiencing the journey and not waiting to get to a destination. There is no destination. It’s a practice to help you experience the journey. It is helping me to understand that life isn’t about a destination that I need to hurriedly get to. The Universe is always moving forward. Except as humans in this society especially we are not in tune with that rhythm which is the very way that the universe works. We put ourselves at odds with the natural flow of the universe. We know that mountains and rivers are constantly changing but as humans we can’t physically see that. But we know it does. Our life is part of the whole universe that was moving forward before we became into existence and will continue to move forward after we are not here anymore.
Realizing and knowing the rhythm of the universe helps you be a part of it. Allows it to flow through you and for you to flow through it. We are used to the now. We want instant gratification. We want to fill our needs and desires now. We expect things to change overnight. They don’t. Setting your mind to the tune of the way universe moves we are in tune with the world around us instead of pushing it forward to some destination that you want to get to.
I know that when I was born I didn’t have a sense of time. But after I had realized that time existed I started even at the deepest core of my being starting to want things to move forward wanting to get somewhere. We are watching the clock within us to see how much time it takes to get anywhere. The more I understand this concept of time the more understand that we are constantly moving and flowing forward. Once we start with that little voice in our head that I will never get there, what is taking so long, we are going against time. Remember you are always on your way.
Monday, January 5, 2009
Going Through My Blockage
I debated about titling this entry “Breaking My Blockage”. But I am starting to realize that life is a process and breaking it creates this notion that it can be taken down in a moment and it will be gone. But it doesn’t just go away, I have to go through it, I have to spend time with it understand it, where it came from and why and then only can I get past it. Once I do I will have gone through my belief so I do not view the world through this belief anymore. I would have created an opening through that blockage so it doesn’t filter my world. But that belief will always be in the back of my mind and it may creep up again. I would be disillusioned to think I could just remove it forever. But I do see that belief now and I see a light coming in and I am going to go towards that light. Life is a process, a journey; it is full of experiences that create you, not your judgmental thoughts.
This notion of always getting to a destination is so familiar in our western culture. If I get there I will be happy. But we live in a universe in a world that is so large that getting to one place is really such a small part of this life. Living your whole life from birth to death is your total existence not the one thing that you did, one time but everything you do all the time. It’s not about getting there now and being unhappy about not being there. You are there. You are there all the time because we are part of a whole cycle. A whole process of growth through our experiences.
For me I see how many times I have moved too fast to get to a destination just to be disappointed again. Because I want things to be different and change quickly. I want to be there where I am happy whether I am ready or not. I just want to get there. The thing is if I allow myself to experience my life then I am always getting there. It’s when I create these blockages that I stop myself.
How many times have been hurt or disappointed by something and you just want to get to that place where you don’t feel that anymore. For me I used to do this in relationships. When one didn’t work out I needed to get into another one fast. I just wanted to be there in a relationship. If I was hurt or disappointed I want it to be over with. I wanted to be happy again. Just like that with a snap of a finger. Everything should return to the state where I was happy for that moment. And I just keep trying to get there. With that mindset I have set myself up for failure and more disappointment which leads to more beliefs about how I will never get there. I am getting there all the time. I have to go through the hurt and through the pain. I have to let it flow through me then I am living and experiencing life and then I am truly getting there, if there was a there.
We have this saying in this culture “when you fall off a horse pick yourself up and do it again”. I agree completely with that statement but sometimes you have to heal yourself first before you are ready to jump in again. I remember an acupuncturist I went to once and she said something I will never forget but never fully understood until now. I had just ended a three year relationship in which I thought I was going to be married. I jumped back on the horse and started dating again. I wanted to move on as quickly as possible. I had a hard time in the next relationship. I wasn’t myself and I was dumped. Pretty badly too. After six months there was no phone call or returned phone call just an email telling me he was done and I never heard from him again. The thing was I just wasn’t ready yet to be in another relationship even if I thought that was the only way for me to feel good. And all I wind up doing is affirming something that wasn’t true that I can’t be loved or I will never find someone to love. The truth was I just wasn’t ready. When I was telling my acupuncturist the story I was so down on myself and lost a lot of hope that anything would work out for me. She said to me in this society we move too fast and we always want to stay in the spring and summer of our life. But here is the thing life; every part of it has four seasons. Spring, summer, fall, and winter. You can’t enjoy one without the other. How would you know it was spring unless you just went through winter? Otherwise spring would always be spring and then what would spring mean to you then. It wouldn’t have meaning it would sit by itself and you would never know the difference. Think about it, would the happiness of spring have any meaning if it was always spring? The fact is your always moving forward but you have to go through the winter to get to spring. You have to go through the darkness to get to the light. And there always is light unless you create a blockage or belief that won’t allow you to see this.
Allowing these emotions to flow through us is how we go through it. The experience even if it makes you sad is ok. We concentrate on trying to be happy all the time. It is ok to be sad. It is ok to alone sometimes. And when you are alone is when you can see your true soul and are able be the Self that you are and not the one of circumstance. That circumstance is one moment.
So the way I have been working through this is being alone. Alone with myself. Seeing who I am deep inside. Hearing my inner voice. My true voice. And as I spend more time with myself I am living through my true Self, my soul, and not through my thoughts.
This notion of always getting to a destination is so familiar in our western culture. If I get there I will be happy. But we live in a universe in a world that is so large that getting to one place is really such a small part of this life. Living your whole life from birth to death is your total existence not the one thing that you did, one time but everything you do all the time. It’s not about getting there now and being unhappy about not being there. You are there. You are there all the time because we are part of a whole cycle. A whole process of growth through our experiences.
For me I see how many times I have moved too fast to get to a destination just to be disappointed again. Because I want things to be different and change quickly. I want to be there where I am happy whether I am ready or not. I just want to get there. The thing is if I allow myself to experience my life then I am always getting there. It’s when I create these blockages that I stop myself.
How many times have been hurt or disappointed by something and you just want to get to that place where you don’t feel that anymore. For me I used to do this in relationships. When one didn’t work out I needed to get into another one fast. I just wanted to be there in a relationship. If I was hurt or disappointed I want it to be over with. I wanted to be happy again. Just like that with a snap of a finger. Everything should return to the state where I was happy for that moment. And I just keep trying to get there. With that mindset I have set myself up for failure and more disappointment which leads to more beliefs about how I will never get there. I am getting there all the time. I have to go through the hurt and through the pain. I have to let it flow through me then I am living and experiencing life and then I am truly getting there, if there was a there.
We have this saying in this culture “when you fall off a horse pick yourself up and do it again”. I agree completely with that statement but sometimes you have to heal yourself first before you are ready to jump in again. I remember an acupuncturist I went to once and she said something I will never forget but never fully understood until now. I had just ended a three year relationship in which I thought I was going to be married. I jumped back on the horse and started dating again. I wanted to move on as quickly as possible. I had a hard time in the next relationship. I wasn’t myself and I was dumped. Pretty badly too. After six months there was no phone call or returned phone call just an email telling me he was done and I never heard from him again. The thing was I just wasn’t ready yet to be in another relationship even if I thought that was the only way for me to feel good. And all I wind up doing is affirming something that wasn’t true that I can’t be loved or I will never find someone to love. The truth was I just wasn’t ready. When I was telling my acupuncturist the story I was so down on myself and lost a lot of hope that anything would work out for me. She said to me in this society we move too fast and we always want to stay in the spring and summer of our life. But here is the thing life; every part of it has four seasons. Spring, summer, fall, and winter. You can’t enjoy one without the other. How would you know it was spring unless you just went through winter? Otherwise spring would always be spring and then what would spring mean to you then. It wouldn’t have meaning it would sit by itself and you would never know the difference. Think about it, would the happiness of spring have any meaning if it was always spring? The fact is your always moving forward but you have to go through the winter to get to spring. You have to go through the darkness to get to the light. And there always is light unless you create a blockage or belief that won’t allow you to see this.
Allowing these emotions to flow through us is how we go through it. The experience even if it makes you sad is ok. We concentrate on trying to be happy all the time. It is ok to be sad. It is ok to alone sometimes. And when you are alone is when you can see your true soul and are able be the Self that you are and not the one of circumstance. That circumstance is one moment.
So the way I have been working through this is being alone. Alone with myself. Seeing who I am deep inside. Hearing my inner voice. My true voice. And as I spend more time with myself I am living through my true Self, my soul, and not through my thoughts.
Finding My Blockage
I think I can be obsessive with my thoughts. I may at times repeat the same thought in my head over and over again. This is a condition I have but I have been trying to work past it through my meditation. I have been re training myself to let my thoughts flow and that is the only way I have been able to let go. I think as humans when we think about anything or have thoughts about it we tend to look for like thoughts to affirm our original thought or belief. In the subconscious of our mind we work constantly affirming ourselves and our thoughts. And each thought we have we build on it until these thoughts become a belief. A belief is a blockage. If the belief before that women weren’t equal that was a blockage as we do not participate in that belief now, although some do I am sure. When you create a belief how can you change it? Does it change? Should it change? If we have a belief is that allowing things to flow or are you allowing yourself to look for like thoughts to make that belief stronger. Aren’t you then looking at the world and dividing it into two areas, one that conforms to my belief so it is right or two it does not conform to my belief so it is wrong. But how do you know that the belief you are choosing to judge the world around you is right or wrong to begin with.
I started this blog to find out more about myself. Why I am the way I am and why my relationships aren’t really working for me. And I am beginning to know or understand some things about me. When I first started dating and I dated someone for a while whether they broke it off or I did. I may say something like this to myself in a whisper that I could barely hear. “I will never find someone to love or no one could ever love me.” In the beginning of dating these were some of my first thoughts or judgments. Just by saying the word never or ever I created a thought that is so absolute. It was one thought though right? A piece of energy that could pass through me. But by creating an absolute statement around it I made it permanent. Instead of letting that thought flow through me I nested it in my subconscious. Yes we all have these thoughts sometimes but is it right to make them an absolute statement? If I had that thought and let it pass through me like a piece of energy; in through my forehead passing right through the back of my head and leaving wouldn’t that thought now just be for a moment. There is a difference, in that one moment I could choose whether to hold onto that thought or to let it go.
I demised myself by saying something so absolute and for what. Is it true? Is it not? Is it a right thought? Or is it wrong? Is it reality or is it my perception. If someone else said that to me would it hurt yes, but wouldn’t I argue that it wasn’t true? So why wouldn’t I do that for myself? Because at some level I want to affirm my thought. I also want to be right. But if someone said that to me over and over again would I not eventually believe this to be true. And the whole time it is me saying this to myself. In every relationship that does not work out. I make myself believe this to be true so isn’t it my truth that I chose to believe about myself.
If I took the time when I was younger to understand what I was perpetuating in me. To take time to understand my true Self the one that is pure. But instead I judged myself and laid the groundwork for those thoughts and energy to cluster together to become a belief. It was my belief I created and only I alone have the power to change it. We all do.
I started this blog to find out more about myself. Why I am the way I am and why my relationships aren’t really working for me. And I am beginning to know or understand some things about me. When I first started dating and I dated someone for a while whether they broke it off or I did. I may say something like this to myself in a whisper that I could barely hear. “I will never find someone to love or no one could ever love me.” In the beginning of dating these were some of my first thoughts or judgments. Just by saying the word never or ever I created a thought that is so absolute. It was one thought though right? A piece of energy that could pass through me. But by creating an absolute statement around it I made it permanent. Instead of letting that thought flow through me I nested it in my subconscious. Yes we all have these thoughts sometimes but is it right to make them an absolute statement? If I had that thought and let it pass through me like a piece of energy; in through my forehead passing right through the back of my head and leaving wouldn’t that thought now just be for a moment. There is a difference, in that one moment I could choose whether to hold onto that thought or to let it go.
I demised myself by saying something so absolute and for what. Is it true? Is it not? Is it a right thought? Or is it wrong? Is it reality or is it my perception. If someone else said that to me would it hurt yes, but wouldn’t I argue that it wasn’t true? So why wouldn’t I do that for myself? Because at some level I want to affirm my thought. I also want to be right. But if someone said that to me over and over again would I not eventually believe this to be true. And the whole time it is me saying this to myself. In every relationship that does not work out. I make myself believe this to be true so isn’t it my truth that I chose to believe about myself.
If I took the time when I was younger to understand what I was perpetuating in me. To take time to understand my true Self the one that is pure. But instead I judged myself and laid the groundwork for those thoughts and energy to cluster together to become a belief. It was my belief I created and only I alone have the power to change it. We all do.
Blockage
Been awhile since I updated my blog, but it wasn’t because I wasn’t journeying to me. I was actually travelling around a bit and been a little busy with the holidays. I have been taking notes though and have come up with a few entries. So we may have a whole bunch of new entries at one time.
My biggest thing that I have been constantly working on is the concept of Flow. That my thoughts are pieces of energy that moves constantly. Holding on to one thought and you give that thought power to eventually become a belief. Think of all the thoughts you have had. How many of them, had you just let it flow through you would not have created the anger, regret, or sadness you feel now. All these thoughts together eventually create an emotion in you. You live off of these emotions and every time you have a choice to make or a conversation with someone you cannot fully communicate your true Self. Your reaction to everything comes from those emotions. Those emotions are your beliefs that filter the world around you so that everything you experience is through this filter you have created in your mind. Your perception of the world is through this filter. Your reactions are through this filter. Everything you do is through this filter of beliefs and thoughts that you have created yourself. How did you create this filter? And is what I experience and do truly through that filter? Yes it is.
For me it has been my negative thoughts about myself who made me believe I am something so different than who I truly am. I have created a blockage so that my true Self could not come through. I realize now that my true Self goes through all these thoughts and emotions just to interact with the world outside of me. When I talk about your true Self or your soul I am referring to that place where I want to find again. That place where your soul or your energy came into this world pure before it entered into the physical plane of your body. That soul, Self, energy was pure and the things that have happened through our life have created a self that is not in perfect alignment with that Pure Self.
One of these reasons why this has happened is that every thought I have had about myself I kept that thought and built on it, whether it was good or bad, right or wrong, real or my perception at the end of the day it was just a thought. And I have been living my life through all my previous thoughts and emotions. I haven’t been living my life to understand that things are just what it is. There is no judgment on about anything we do our see unless we create it our self.
This change in thinking has made a huge difference. And the only way I have been able to somewhat work on this and believe me I have a long way to go is just to sit still in meditate. Start observing my thoughts and beliefs in a non judgmental way. To think of these thoughts I have as pieces of energy that I let flow through. I almost visualize that they are entering my brain through my forehead and leaving through the back of my head as I am moving forward in time.
My biggest thing that I have been constantly working on is the concept of Flow. That my thoughts are pieces of energy that moves constantly. Holding on to one thought and you give that thought power to eventually become a belief. Think of all the thoughts you have had. How many of them, had you just let it flow through you would not have created the anger, regret, or sadness you feel now. All these thoughts together eventually create an emotion in you. You live off of these emotions and every time you have a choice to make or a conversation with someone you cannot fully communicate your true Self. Your reaction to everything comes from those emotions. Those emotions are your beliefs that filter the world around you so that everything you experience is through this filter you have created in your mind. Your perception of the world is through this filter. Your reactions are through this filter. Everything you do is through this filter of beliefs and thoughts that you have created yourself. How did you create this filter? And is what I experience and do truly through that filter? Yes it is.
For me it has been my negative thoughts about myself who made me believe I am something so different than who I truly am. I have created a blockage so that my true Self could not come through. I realize now that my true Self goes through all these thoughts and emotions just to interact with the world outside of me. When I talk about your true Self or your soul I am referring to that place where I want to find again. That place where your soul or your energy came into this world pure before it entered into the physical plane of your body. That soul, Self, energy was pure and the things that have happened through our life have created a self that is not in perfect alignment with that Pure Self.
One of these reasons why this has happened is that every thought I have had about myself I kept that thought and built on it, whether it was good or bad, right or wrong, real or my perception at the end of the day it was just a thought. And I have been living my life through all my previous thoughts and emotions. I haven’t been living my life to understand that things are just what it is. There is no judgment on about anything we do our see unless we create it our self.
This change in thinking has made a huge difference. And the only way I have been able to somewhat work on this and believe me I have a long way to go is just to sit still in meditate. Start observing my thoughts and beliefs in a non judgmental way. To think of these thoughts I have as pieces of energy that I let flow through. I almost visualize that they are entering my brain through my forehead and leaving through the back of my head as I am moving forward in time.
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