Going Through My Blockage

I debated about titling this entry “Breaking My Blockage”. But I am starting to realize that life is a process and breaking it creates this notion that it can be taken down in a moment and it will be gone. But it doesn’t just go away, I have to go through it, I have to spend time with it understand it, where it came from and why and then only can I get past it. Once I do I will have gone through my belief so I do not view the world through this belief anymore. I would have created an opening through that blockage so it doesn’t filter my world. But that belief will always be in the back of my mind and it may creep up again. I would be disillusioned to think I could just remove it forever. But I do see that belief now and I see a light coming in and I am going to go towards that light. Life is a process, a journey; it is full of experiences that create you, not your judgmental thoughts.
This notion of always getting to a destination is so familiar in our western culture. If I get there I will be happy. But we live in a universe in a world that is so large that getting to one place is really such a small part of this life. Living your whole life from birth to death is your total existence not the one thing that you did, one time but everything you do all the time. It’s not about getting there now and being unhappy about not being there. You are there. You are there all the time because we are part of a whole cycle. A whole process of growth through our experiences.
For me I see how many times I have moved too fast to get to a destination just to be disappointed again. Because I want things to be different and change quickly. I want to be there where I am happy whether I am ready or not. I just want to get there. The thing is if I allow myself to experience my life then I am always getting there. It’s when I create these blockages that I stop myself.
How many times have been hurt or disappointed by something and you just want to get to that place where you don’t feel that anymore. For me I used to do this in relationships. When one didn’t work out I needed to get into another one fast. I just wanted to be there in a relationship. If I was hurt or disappointed I want it to be over with. I wanted to be happy again. Just like that with a snap of a finger. Everything should return to the state where I was happy for that moment. And I just keep trying to get there. With that mindset I have set myself up for failure and more disappointment which leads to more beliefs about how I will never get there. I am getting there all the time. I have to go through the hurt and through the pain. I have to let it flow through me then I am living and experiencing life and then I am truly getting there, if there was a there.
We have this saying in this culture “when you fall off a horse pick yourself up and do it again”. I agree completely with that statement but sometimes you have to heal yourself first before you are ready to jump in again. I remember an acupuncturist I went to once and she said something I will never forget but never fully understood until now. I had just ended a three year relationship in which I thought I was going to be married. I jumped back on the horse and started dating again. I wanted to move on as quickly as possible. I had a hard time in the next relationship. I wasn’t myself and I was dumped. Pretty badly too. After six months there was no phone call or returned phone call just an email telling me he was done and I never heard from him again. The thing was I just wasn’t ready yet to be in another relationship even if I thought that was the only way for me to feel good. And all I wind up doing is affirming something that wasn’t true that I can’t be loved or I will never find someone to love. The truth was I just wasn’t ready. When I was telling my acupuncturist the story I was so down on myself and lost a lot of hope that anything would work out for me. She said to me in this society we move too fast and we always want to stay in the spring and summer of our life. But here is the thing life; every part of it has four seasons. Spring, summer, fall, and winter. You can’t enjoy one without the other. How would you know it was spring unless you just went through winter? Otherwise spring would always be spring and then what would spring mean to you then. It wouldn’t have meaning it would sit by itself and you would never know the difference. Think about it, would the happiness of spring have any meaning if it was always spring? The fact is your always moving forward but you have to go through the winter to get to spring. You have to go through the darkness to get to the light. And there always is light unless you create a blockage or belief that won’t allow you to see this.
Allowing these emotions to flow through us is how we go through it. The experience even if it makes you sad is ok. We concentrate on trying to be happy all the time. It is ok to be sad. It is ok to alone sometimes. And when you are alone is when you can see your true soul and are able be the Self that you are and not the one of circumstance. That circumstance is one moment.
So the way I have been working through this is being alone. Alone with myself. Seeing who I am deep inside. Hearing my inner voice. My true voice. And as I spend more time with myself I am living through my true Self, my soul, and not through my thoughts.