Flow

Ok the last couple of entries have been really intense even for me. I have been working through the concept of flow for the last couple of days. Allowing my emotions to flow without holding onto them. Not being afraid of the pain I may feel on a mental level and let the thought flow through me and try to breath it out. When I breathe in I try to think I am breathing in a fresh and positive life for the future and when I breathe out I breathe out the past and the pain. Because isn't expelling a breath releasing the carbon dioxide and inhaling a breath is pulling into your body fresh oxygen. Doing this process has not been easy and again it needs to be constant and it has to be practiced. As I go through the day I just catch myself and try to be more aware of my thoughts.

When I go to the temple there is a prayer that we say and it says through darkness there is light and through light there is darkness. They go hand in hand. I cannot live trying to avoid the darkness and think I will get to the light. I have to go through the darkness and live it feel it to get to the light.

After last weekend’s intense amount of time at the temple. I couldn’t go back for a few days. So the first couple of days after I finished the talks and meditations I felt great. I was coming up with epiphanies about my life that I have never thought about before. I didn’t know how much was inside me, deep inside me that I was doing just from things that happened in my past and yet I just kept doing them.

For example my friends always say that you find a sad soul or someone who is lost and you give and give until their life is on track again or they find themselves. I have done this way too often and find that when people find themselves they move onto something else. I give alot of my energy to someone so they can feel better and then when they move on I am angry. I will say "I did this all for you, you owe me". I realized in a epiphany that one of the reasons why I think I do this is because one of my friends committed suicide. I didn’t see it coming and I think I kind of convinced her to go to her parents house because I didn’t know what else to do. I was angry with her at times. I would think just snap out of it, what is wrong with you?

We lived together and three months after she left she committed suicide. I think deep deep down this is my way of protecting people and getting over my guilt. I have seen the worst that can happen when you don’t have your friends around you in your darkest hour. I see someone sad and want to reach in their soul and take the pain away. And its to a fault. Its to the point that I lose myself in them, I need them to make myself feel better. I need someone who needs me.

Perfect example would be the 22 year old I just dated whose mom is an alcoholic and left them. He went to jail, was an addict himself. Came out of rehab and I helped him get some direction. This included getting totally involved to the point that I got my heart broken, again.

Anyway I have been trying to let things flow, my thoughts. Thoughts come in like my breath and leave like my breath. I have doing this for last couple of days. I haven’t meditated in 3 days but just been focusing on my thought. Being aware when one thought comes in and seeing it for what it is just a thought that I can breath out of my body. When I hold on to that thought I create the emotion around it. Every emotion builds on top of the next. The next thought I have comes from the emotion I just created from my previous thought it builds and builds. By Saturday with no meditation I was a mess. By Sunday night I was balling to my friends on the phone. I went to meditation on Saturday and Sunday. Well I feel a lot better now. So it has been a roller coaster ride of a week. I really did go from feeling very free to extreme distress. But I am going to keep working on it. Thanks friends for the calls and letting me let it out.