oh what a long two days

I have begun to go to a Buddhist temple next to my house. I went to the liturgy Sunday morning where another sign came to me about what I was thinking. In the last blog I mentioned I wanted to get back to the Self that I was when I was born before life shaped my thoughts. Well the monk mentioned this on Sunday as well. And although when we are babies we may not be able to see, talk, or walk or higher Self exists in its purest form. Lets see if I can explain it. What I was thinking and what he was saying was that if we could go into ourselves to the place where we started without all the things that happened to you in your life you may be able to the Self you were born as without anger, anxiety, bitterness, etc. We had no sense of time as a baby and no expectations of ourselves that would disappoint us. We were exactly who we should be or are. I am sitting on this thought for a while. I don't know yet how it will come together for me, but I know that getting to that part of me is very important in this journey.

I am practicing Zen Buddhism to help with this journey and I am reading books on this philosophy to help me. One book that I am reading is the "The Zen Path Through Depression" by Philip Martin. In one of his early talks about depression he talks about how it is a like a physical pain. He has a meditation that he talks about on page 12 which has put me in a tail spin. I am jumping out of my skin. I cried for two hours last night and called in sick to work. I do not normally do that. But this meditation is well worth it.

He says when you meditate feel and work through the pain instead of dismissing it. His exact words are, "As the pain begins to grow remind yourself of your intention not to run from it, but instead explore it thoroughly. When you first become aware of it, identify it as simply "pain." Then move on to look closely at its qualities."

Whoa!!! Well that is what I have done for the last two days. Its not easy. It is important to understand the issue of actually feeling that pain, acknowledging it like you would a physical pain. If you had a physical pain what would you say to yourself? "How did I hurt myself? If I do this does it hurt? How can I make it better? What can I do to make the pain go away? I have suffered from depression for years, but when I finally thought of it as a physical pain I have been able to acknowledge my depression, how bad it is and how much I have done not to deal with it and heal it. I am like a quarterback that is constantly in the game. Any pain I have I say shoot me up, give me painkillers, do what you have to but put me in that game. As I keep going back into the game and play normally like there was nothing wrong and never acknowledging the injury well it is only going to get worse. With numbing out the pain you have never allowed that injury to heal. The pain is masked so you can continue what you were doing. Constantly injuring yourself over and over again because you are doing the same thing. How does this help us?

That's what I realize what I have been doing with my depression. In the two days of meditation that I have done, allowing my pain to come forefront in my mind, to acknowledge it, see it, feel it and examine it like a doctor would a physical injury. I finally been able to see beyond my depression. It wasn't easy. Its a deep part of you that is not pretty like if you had to cut your own leg open and look inside one would not enjoy the sight. And I am just at the start.

Seeing in my minds eye my pain, the description of it. Wow, I didn't realize the extent of my depression and what it was made up of. I am so angry more than I have ever thought, bitter about the things that I didn't get that I have always wanted, scared to be myself because I want to be so perfect. I don't even know who the real me is anymore. Instead of a person who knows who I really am, I cannot because my brain is constantly thinking of my next move. What will I do in this moment to be accepted instead of just accepting the moment. What I can I change about myself in this moment so the moment will be perfect and happy? Can I just allow the moment to occur without any anticipation of what it should be?

After the meditation it is only hurt I can feel. It is an intense pain which I wish would go away. I wish I could have a drink or two but I can't today because I am going to my parents. Oh so that's why I need a drink I say to myself. I want to go back into the game but I don't want to have this feeling. I don't want to fight through it. I want it to go away. I meditate again for an hour. And more comes to light. I haven't said anything yet to these feelings of anger, bitterness, anxiety, etc but I have finally acknowledged that they exist. Which is huge for me. There in my light I see it. Still this has been a very hard day. I couldn't take the realization of all this. When I didn't realize the extent of how deep my feelings go and am still going to find out more.

Writing this down today has helped a great deal for a day that started out as the great depression.